MOTHERHOOD, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE

On that morning, my husband asked me to stop shouting at the baby. I was just trying to calm him down saying shu shu uuu uuu… Little did I know my pitch was a bit higher than normal. His statement was my breaking point. He left for work and I was left at home filled with self doubt. For the first time in my life, I wished I was dead. The days that followed after this day were dark and full of terror.. Motherhood was meant to be a happy time where everything is clear and perfect, yet here I was alone in a far land contemplating suicide. I was mentally ill. The good side of it is that I only contemplated unlike the male counterparts. They actually commit it. PS. We talked about everything with my husband and he apologised for his harsh words.

Mornings came after sleepless nights. I was sad to wake up most of these days. Everything felt suffocating. It felt like I was drowning and the tide was so strong for me to swim through. My attempts to open up to a friend who had just given birth a few months before me were futile. She brushed me off with laughter and said, it is normal, it will pass. Even after many Months had passed and my son was grown, it did not pass. The first year of motherhood was filled with confused and mental distress.

From not knowing what to dress the boy on in winter to what he could actually eat. My mum’s internet connection was literally so low that most of the time, she was unreachable. I was desperate. I had no friends here. They were all left in Kenya and were moving on with their lives. Besides, how do you call and say, “hey, I am so sad I wanna die.”  On the outside my life seemed perfect but far from it on the inside.

The thing with mental health is that you actually don’t know you are sick. Some days I felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough at anything. It is daunting. Eventually I started writing down my own feelings every morning. Later on I would write stories of my transition journey from Kenya to Denmark which I read to my husband in the evenings. During 2016 summer, he encouraged me to start a blog and share these stories with the world.

During this period, my husband was my confidant and my greatest support. He allowed me to let him understand what I was going through. It was a blur except for one event where I tucked Bernie in his cot, went to the balcony and actually aimed for my fall. I had just climbed when he woke up with the loudest scream. That was my turning point. We worked on my mental health a day at a time and blogging actually saved me. My efforts to talk to my doctor did not bear much fruits.

Later on, I started my YouTube channel and this time around, I would actually talk to the camera which represented real life people. Fast forward to now with my second baby, everything was clear on what I was going to allow on my space. Flying my mum here during the first two months and afterwards my sister was the best decision I made. Moreso, cutting off toxic friends helped a lot. Even with about three hours of sleep every night, I can hold on. My soul is actually happy. I may be tired on the outside but I have so much peace right now. Of course there are real motherhood life struggles but we are doing good.

 

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21 Comments

  1. Its wonderful when women open up and talk about issues that affect them. This piece may actually help someone out here understand that they are not alone. Thank you for finding the courage to speak up

    1. Thank you Aswani. And thank you too for talking about issues of fertility. I am honoured to be reading your book

      1. Is it strange that i felt the same way with my 2nd child???????? Av been to the brink of considering suicide more than 6times .i do know what you went through.till nw tryn to deal with my motherhood insecurities of whether am good enuff or not.but hey!!!! God cant give us what we cant handle.thanks for sharing.much love.

  2. It is not always easy to open up. Sometimes people are very judgemental. You are lucky you talked to the right people.

    1. I was scared to post it. I had so many voices in my head with all the negative things people were going to say. But then I had to post to actually be sure I am getting better

      1. I am really sending love to you. You are not alone in this. I very well understand how tough it is with the second child. The feeling of not being there with the first one for instance. Trust me from experience you are doing well. That feeling of not being enough is a sign that you care enough to question yourself. You are the best mother to your children. Find someone you can trust and tell them about all your feelings.

  3. I can not tell you how almost similar your story is to mine. This hobby of mine ( videos and photo editing for youtube and putting myself out there) has really helped me in my darkest hours. one day at a time.

  4. I can not tell you how almost similar your story is to mine. This hobby of mine ( videos and photo editing for youtube and putting myself out there) has really helped me in my darkest hours. one day at a time.

  5. I loved reading your post. Your honesty is so touching and I like that you opened up on such a sensitive topic that most people do not like to talk about. Motherhood is tough especially when there is no one to help or someone to talk to and have an understanding of the parenting problems. I get a few hours of sleep and although I am tired most of the time, just like you say, I can hold on too. I may not have any good advice or experience of being a mom, but as a new mother myself, you can always talk to me. I believe in supporting one another. Sending you hugs. Btw, you are a strong woman!

    1. aaawww thank you Michelle. You are carrying the crown so well, keep it up. Soon he will sleep better. Mental illness is a sickness that needs medical attention and not stigma.

  6. Thank you for posting this, I can totally relate. Im Kenyan living in moved here to join my husband zero friends here and pregnant away from home with our first. It has not been easy at all. My first months of pregnancy I would cry alot. Taking one day at a time and leaning on my hubz for support. Spirituality has also helped me greatly. Atleast I know I’m not abnormal.

    1. Hun you are not alone. Talk to your hubby or even your doctor. Talking it out helps. You are strong and you will pull through it all

  7. You are very strong Nancy. Thank you for sharing the distress and self doubt that comes along with motherhood.

  8. I understand this 100%. I have been there. Still there, but keeping hope alive. I’ve recently found comfort in writing too. Its a beautiful way to let it all go!

    1. Write it out dear. Whatever works, do it. Just don’t give up on yourself. You will pull through. Sending you lots of love

  9. Nice read. I know how it feels to wake and think, “oh no! How will I pull through today!”. The feeling is suffocating. Glad you are doing better.

    1. It actually is.Sometime you are sad that you actually woke up. Glad we are talking it out

  10. Wow thanx for sharing this. When you tell people this they think you are not being a good mum. Glad I overcame it and now looking back I thank God for giving me the strength.