On that morning, my husband asked me to stop shouting at the baby. I was just trying to calm him down saying shu shu uuu uuu… Little did I know my pitch was a bit higher than normal. His statement was my breaking point. He left for work and I was left at home filled with self doubt. For the first time in my life, I wished I was dead. The days that followed after this day were dark and full of terror.. Motherhood was meant to be a happy time where everything is clear and perfect, yet here I was alone in a far land contemplating suicide. I was mentally ill. The good side of it is that I only contemplated unlike the male counterparts. They actually commit it. PS. We talked about everything with my husband and he apologised for his harsh words.
Mornings came after sleepless nights. I was sad to wake up most of these days. Everything felt suffocating. It felt like I was drowning and the tide was so strong for me to swim through. My attempts to open up to a friend who had just given birth a few months before me were futile. She brushed me off with laughter and said, it is normal, it will pass. Even after many Months had passed and my son was grown, it did not pass. The first year of motherhood was filled with confused and mental distress.
From not knowing what to dress the boy on in winter to what he could actually eat. My mum’s internet connection was literally so low that most of the time, she was unreachable. I was desperate. I had no friends here. They were all left in Kenya and were moving on with their lives. Besides, how do you call and say, “hey, I am so sad I wanna die.” On the outside my life seemed perfect but far from it on the inside.
The thing with mental health is that you actually don’t know you are sick. Some days I felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough at anything. It is daunting. Eventually I started writing down my own feelings every morning. Later on I would write stories of my transition journey from Kenya to Denmark which I read to my husband in the evenings. During 2016 summer, he encouraged me to start a blog and share these stories with the world.
During this period, my husband was my confidant and my greatest support. He allowed me to let him understand what I was going through. It was a blur except for one event where I tucked Bernie in his cot, went to the balcony and actually aimed for my fall. I had just climbed when he woke up with the loudest scream. That was my turning point. We worked on my mental health a day at a time and blogging actually saved me. My efforts to talk to my doctor did not bear much fruits.
Later on, I started my YouTube channel and this time around, I would actually talk to the camera which represented real life people. Fast forward to now with my second baby, everything was clear on what I was going to allow on my space. Flying my mum here during the first two months and afterwards my sister was the best decision I made. Moreso, cutting off toxic friends helped a lot. Even with about three hours of sleep every night, I can hold on. My soul is actually happy. I may be tired on the outside but I have so much peace right now. Of course there are real motherhood life struggles but we are doing good.